Fierce Love Starts With Truth Telling

Posted Sunday, May 10, 2015

I am a liar. I lie to myself. I lie to others. So do you. You are a liar. You lie to yourself. You lie to those you love the most. You lie to strangers. You lie. Welcome to the human race. We are programmed first and foremost to survive. Survive physically and survive emotionally. So we lie. You lie to your spouse about what you were actually thinking about. You lie to yourself about what you accomplished today. I lie to my friends to avoid a tough conversation. It works. It's effective. It helps us SURVIVE. Emotionally for sure. For some of us the survival is life and death--at least it feels like it.

Lying. It even helps us succeed. Like Lance. Look around you. What do you really believe about what you have to do in order to be truly successful? Is truth telling in your top 10? I doubt it and our culture definitely doesn't point you in that direction.  I can think of dozens of "successful" people that our culture is obsessed with who are a far cry from truth tellers. I'm racking my brain to think of more than three authentic and loving people that as a culture we are drawn to. Dalai Lama, possibly Pope Francis, and for the third...Bono, Oprah, Eckhardt Tolle, Brene Brown? Please tell me I'm wrong and send me a list of authentically loving people that our culture honors.

I want a different world. Don't you? I want real love to permeate the boardrooms and the family rooms of the world. I want the stuff that we all know matters to matter all of the time. I desperately want love to be the topic of everyday people--not just pop stars going on and on about something that really isn't love to begin with. When I was a teenager, I discovered "deep conversations." You know the type. The conversations where you are up late with your friends, partners, or family and time seems to fly because you are talking about real life--the stuff of the heart. I wondered then--and I wonder now--why don't we talk about this stuff out loud, in public? We all know it matters--in fact it's really about the only thing that matters--real love. So I'm on a mission to talk about it, try to live it, and do my best to teach it. 

It starts with truth telling.  Read More »

Letting Go of the Lie

Posted Thursday, April 23, 2015

I will be happy  when fill in the blank. 

Everyone has their answer. Some of us are run by it more than others but we all have a version of this in our heads. 

I will be happy when I have enough money in the bank to pay for college.
I will be happy when I live in a warm climate.
I will be happy when I am closer to my family.
I will be happy when I have a life partner.
I will be happy when I no longer have my current life partner.
I will be happy when I feel safe.
I will be happy when _______________.

What's your _____________? I can tell you that when I went to a talk last summer and the speaker asked this question, my initial response was--hmmm, I'm good. I'm happy now. I know (with my head) that there is nothing that can make me happy except myself. He pushed us a little more. If the answer to this question has been driving your life since you were a kid--what would it be? What have I been putting my emotional energy towards? What in your life have you been using to make yourself happy--at least historically--if not in this moment?

I then stepped back and looked at my life. Since I was a teenager I had made finding and keeping a woman in my life my highest priority. Not just finding one and keeping one, but feeling "in love" all the time with a woman had been my highest emotional priority.

This thought hit me like a ton of bricks. I found my (fill in the blank).

I will be happy when a woman finally loves me. Really loves me.  Read More »

Love 101

Posted Thursday, April 09, 2015

Years ago I thought I knew what love was. I loved my children. I loved their mother. I loved God.

Then I went to therapy.  And then I started coach training. And leadership training.

And I read some books on love, and God, and other stuff. I was wrong. I didn't know the first thing about loving. So I've decided to give it a try. Again. And again.  So this is what I think I know now:

Love just is. We are all capable of loving at all times. It is doing or being what is best for the object of your love. I'll say that again, it is doing or being what is best for the object of your love. This includes yourself. It has no conditions. It is not a feeling, although it often is accompanied by feelings. 

If it did have an opposite, it would be control.  You can't control love. It's always a surprise. There was a time in my life when I was obsessed with everyone who loved me doing exactly what I thought they should always be doing for me. That meant that the people closest to me lived under a constant judgement cycle of whether they were doing a good enough job at loving me. It got to the point where some of them just gave up. I don't blame them.  

The real heartbreak is my kids, especially my oldest because she bore the brunt of my controlling nature. It was actually in a therapy session when my oldest was around 7 years old that I realized that I was not the amazing "best dad" that I had always thought of myself as. Truth was, I was using my children to feed my ego--to feed my love need. I was absolutely disgusted with myself.  

So I committed myself to real love. No bullshit authentic love. And I didn't get it right. Just better. Sometimes.  Read More »

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