Come With Me if You Want to Live

Posted Thursday, September 24, 2015

Do you Bitmoji? I've recently discovered this fun way of communicating. It's an app on my iPhone where I create a cartoon version of myself. The app then puts me in all sorts of scenes. It's so much fun.

I haven't BWAHAHAHA'd so much in a while.   Read More »

Why Men Need Mountains

Posted Monday, September 21, 2015

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. ” ~Henry David Thoreau

I knew it was time to go to the mountains. Life was getting a little chaotic. The stories in my head of what I “should” do and what I “want” to do started getting jumbled and unclear.   Read More »

When Being the Man is Her Problem

Posted Friday, September 04, 2015


Plane rides can be fun.

Not that long ago, two intelligent, obviously fit, and friendly women sat down next to me for the long flight home.

We all started chatting immediately and when they found out that I was a coach—well the questions started pouring in. Both women—it seems—were focused on Sarah’s (not her real name) latest relationship issues. 

Let’s paint the picture. Sarah has been with Joe for a few years now and although he is a nice guy—there is just something missing. There is a “being a man" factor that she is wanting more of but he isn’t providing. She feels like she pretty much has to wear the pants in the relationship and although both get along well—the passion is gone.

Does any of this sound familiar?   Read More »

Your Crucible = Your Best Life

Posted Thursday, July 23, 2015

"I thought life would be more than this."

My friend was being real. Life slowly went into the shitter and every path out of it seems unlikely to succeed plus trying to get out actually seems to be more painful than where he is right now. So he stays right there--for years. Don't get me wrong. Life from the outside looks pretty hunky dory. Good job. Kids. Wife. Home in the burbs. The american dream. He knows the truth though. And so do you.

You get it. You've been there. I've been there. We've all been there. Sometimes you wake up to one or a combination of these thoughts: 

"What is the purpose of this life? Why am I doing this job? Do I love my spouse? Does she love me? My children hate me. Do I matter? Do I have what it takes? Do they like me? Why don't I have kids yet? Will I ever find peace? Why did he leave me? Who am I? "

These aren't just passing thoughts. They consume us. They take over our brains and impact our bodies. My friend reports stress, illness, and basically daily dread.

Here's the thing though, this is the moment of your life.

This is the crucible. This is where you can become the person you want to become. This is the wake up call for your one and only life. It is here that life can finally turn a corner because now your SOUL has your attention.

  Read More »

We Don't Need Gun Control

Posted Tuesday, July 14, 2015

We Don't Need Gun Control.

Well, maybe we do--and I'm not going to argue with you from either side of this argument. Individuals on both side of the debate speak in terms of how obviously they are right. So keep at it--see how far that gets you in creating a better world.

Violence (granted GUN violence) born of racist hatred strikes Charleston and less than 24 hours pass and the debate focuses on primarily two things--gun controland the confederate flag. Both important discussions but I'm left wondering when we will EVER discuss what is really happening here! 

Gun control--even if it does everything the advocates say it would do would not change the polarized misunderstandings between urban/rural, north/south, black/white, progressive/conservative, etc... that exists in this country. Removing the confederate flag may make some of us feel good about moving a symbol of racism but it won't make a dent in the racial hatred that exists in this country. 

So I ask, what are we actually DOING that will make a difference? I think we are actually making it worse. The polarization of america is absolutely the biggest problem we are facing and it is rampant and gaining followers. 

We are at our core tribal people and when you attack my tribe, it doesn't make me more likely to join your tribe, it makes me want to destroy your tribe. You can't logic someone into changing their mind and you certainly can't use violence to get people to change.

Peace comes when the wiseman or wisewoman of my tribe reaches out to the wiseman or wisewoman of your tribe. When we understand your grievances and begin to see you as part of the same tribe as me--the tribe of humanity. 

I think the most beautiful shining example of this truth was the SCOTUS decision to make marriage legal for anyone regardless of sexual orientation. It is because in 2015, almost everyone loves, is related to, or in some way cares about an individual in the LGBT community (tribe). We've built so many relationships to the point where even the Supreme Court sees it differently. We are now a part of the same tribe. 

I am on a mission to become a wiseman. To create wisemen and wisewomen. I am on a mission to combine tribes. This is what I am doing. Will you join me? A true wiseman or wisewoman understands some core truths about the world that defines his or her way of dealing with the world.
  Read More »

The World Needs You and Your Purpose

Posted Friday, June 12, 2015

It's 7am. He's here. His mom is here . His principal, his assistant principal and his 8 teachers are all gathered around the table. To talk about him. To talk WITH him. There are 3 weeks left to go in the school year and he might not pass 10th grade. It's serious. Obviously.

They make a plan. They work together. He is going to have to work hard to make up for the last few months--but he can do it--the plan is possible.

This could very well have been the best day of his life.

Have you ever felt this loved? This paid attention to? Felt like you mattered so much that 10 people with plenty of other really important things to do--show up at 7am on a Thursday morning?

This is a true story. As my sister told me this story about my nephew, I was blown away at these teachers, these school administrators who are living their purpose--making a difference with their lives. what the world needs. Those amazing humans in that room are an example for each of us.

I have no idea what motivates them--what gets them out of bed. They do. They have no doubt about what they are about.

Do you? What gets you out of bed? Really?
  Read More »

Fierce Love Starts With Truth Telling

Posted Sunday, May 10, 2015

I am a liar. I lie to myself. I lie to others. So do you. You are a liar. You lie to yourself. You lie to those you love the most. You lie to strangers. You lie. Welcome to the human race. We are programmed first and foremost to survive. Survive physically and survive emotionally. So we lie. You lie to your spouse about what you were actually thinking about. You lie to yourself about what you accomplished today. I lie to my friends to avoid a tough conversation. It works. It's effective. It helps us SURVIVE. Emotionally for sure. For some of us the survival is life and death--at least it feels like it.

Lying. It even helps us succeed. Like Lance. Look around you. What do you really believe about what you have to do in order to be truly successful? Is truth telling in your top 10? I doubt it and our culture definitely doesn't point you in that direction.  I can think of dozens of "successful" people that our culture is obsessed with who are a far cry from truth tellers. I'm racking my brain to think of more than three authentic and loving people that as a culture we are drawn to. Dalai Lama, possibly Pope Francis, and for the third...Bono, Oprah, Eckhardt Tolle, Brene Brown? Please tell me I'm wrong and send me a list of authentically loving people that our culture honors.

I want a different world. Don't you? I want real love to permeate the boardrooms and the family rooms of the world. I want the stuff that we all know matters to matter all of the time. I desperately want love to be the topic of everyday people--not just pop stars going on and on about something that really isn't love to begin with. When I was a teenager, I discovered "deep conversations." You know the type. The conversations where you are up late with your friends, partners, or family and time seems to fly because you are talking about real life--the stuff of the heart. I wondered then--and I wonder now--why don't we talk about this stuff out loud, in public? We all know it matters--in fact it's really about the only thing that matters--real love. So I'm on a mission to talk about it, try to live it, and do my best to teach it. 

It starts with truth telling.  Read More »

Letting Go of the Lie

Posted Thursday, April 23, 2015

I will be happy  when fill in the blank. 

Everyone has their answer. Some of us are run by it more than others but we all have a version of this in our heads. 

I will be happy when I have enough money in the bank to pay for college.
I will be happy when I live in a warm climate.
I will be happy when I am closer to my family.
I will be happy when I have a life partner.
I will be happy when I no longer have my current life partner.
I will be happy when I feel safe.
I will be happy when _______________.

What's your _____________? I can tell you that when I went to a talk last summer and the speaker asked this question, my initial response was--hmmm, I'm good. I'm happy now. I know (with my head) that there is nothing that can make me happy except myself. He pushed us a little more. If the answer to this question has been driving your life since you were a kid--what would it be? What have I been putting my emotional energy towards? What in your life have you been using to make yourself happy--at least historically--if not in this moment?

I then stepped back and looked at my life. Since I was a teenager I had made finding and keeping a woman in my life my highest priority. Not just finding one and keeping one, but feeling "in love" all the time with a woman had been my highest emotional priority.

This thought hit me like a ton of bricks. I found my (fill in the blank).

I will be happy when a woman finally loves me. Really loves me.  Read More »

Love 101

Posted Thursday, April 09, 2015

Years ago I thought I knew what love was. I loved my children. I loved their mother. I loved God.

Then I went to therapy.  And then I started coach training. And leadership training.

And I read some books on love, and God, and other stuff. I was wrong. I didn't know the first thing about loving. So I've decided to give it a try. Again. And again.  So this is what I think I know now:

Love just is. We are all capable of loving at all times. It is doing or being what is best for the object of your love. I'll say that again, it is doing or being what is best for the object of your love. This includes yourself. It has no conditions. It is not a feeling, although it often is accompanied by feelings. 

If it did have an opposite, it would be control.  You can't control love. It's always a surprise. There was a time in my life when I was obsessed with everyone who loved me doing exactly what I thought they should always be doing for me. That meant that the people closest to me lived under a constant judgement cycle of whether they were doing a good enough job at loving me. It got to the point where some of them just gave up. I don't blame them.  

The real heartbreak is my kids, especially my oldest because she bore the brunt of my controlling nature. It was actually in a therapy session when my oldest was around 7 years old that I realized that I was not the amazing "best dad" that I had always thought of myself as. Truth was, I was using my children to feed my ego--to feed my love need. I was absolutely disgusted with myself.  

So I committed myself to real love. No bullshit authentic love. And I didn't get it right. Just better. Sometimes.  Read More »

Practice Makes People

Posted Thursday, March 19, 2015

My clients are often wondering—what answers do I have for them. I get it. We see someone farther down a path than ourselves and we want to know how they got there. It’s something we are all seduced by.

I used to carry a backpack around with me with 5-6 books. I did this for years. They were all great books helping me with my spiritual journey or how to be a better leader. I wanted to figure it out. I wanted to have the answers to what would make me the best version of me that I could be. As soon as I came to the place where I thought I had something figured out, I used the books to help others learn—that’s why I carried them around—so I could share the passages with others.

One of my friends suggested that maybe my attachment to the answers was an addiction of some sort and maybe I should try to go a few weeks without reading anything. 

I was terrified of the idea. I couldn’t imagine going anywhere without my backpack and certainly not willingly.

That’s when I knew that my friend was right. I needed to stop and see the impact.

So I did. I took a summer off. No books. No listening to talks or messages on how to live properly or be an amazing leader.

When we want to live differently or change things about ourselves, gathering information, talking to friends, and generally DOING things have their place. They build the muscles of knowledge and community. These are called practices of ENGAGEMENT. 

Far more difficult and counter-cultural are practices of DISENGAGEMENT. Some of these are rest, solitude, silence, meditation, and fasting. These practices build muscles of trust, peace, and love—especially self-love. 

My practice of disengagement was a book fast and it was hard but I learned some things about myself. 

  • I’m more than the information that I know. 
  • My friends want to be with me even if I don’t have an amazing insight to share.
  • I have a lot more to learn about what's inside me than I can imagine.

What about you? What practices of disengagement are you using? I challenge you to take a nap in the middle of your day, or spend an afternoon alone, or practice not speaking for a full day. See what happens. Let me know.

Practice makes people. Who are you practicing to become?  Read More »

Check out our last 6 eNewsletters:

November 4, 2016--Crossing the Continental Divide (Both Literally and Metaphorically)

May 13, 2016-Are You Embracing Your Goo?

April 6, 2016--Micromanagement is Good Management

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