Authentic is the Opposite of Codependent

Posted Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Did you grow up in a dysfunctional family? Me too.

One thing that I think is true for all of us—we never completely drop the roles that we developed in order to effectively give and get love, how to feel safe, how to make people love us. We learn what is OK to say, what our parents want from us, and how to feel good.

I for one played the role of the "hero" or "rescuer" for much of my life. When I saw someone in need—well it was my job to make sure that I met their need.

Eventually, this doesn't work. The role I created to make sure I got my needs met in the end wasn't going to be able to help others. As soon as I stopped getting what I needed, I had to either pick another codependent role or another person from whom to get my needs met. I did both of those things with lots of consequences.

How do we stop living in our codependence? How do we choose to create something different for our life?

I say we start by telling the truth. First, the truth to ourselves. Second, the truth to others. We must stop believing that we are helping others when we are only making ourselves feel good.

The choice we make to stop codependency is love. We choose to love ourselves; love others; instead of control. The best way to choose this on a regular basis is to commit to radical honesty. Stop the stories in your relationships. Tell the truth. I'm not saying to be mean. I am saying express your doubts. I am saying that protecting someone's feelings usually results in sitcom-like drama that is totally unnecessary.

Assume that whomever you are in relationship with is absolutely capable, full of the ability to run their own life without you, and you have zero responsibility regarding making sure that they are happy. That's their job—and they can and will do it—if you let them.

An amazing thing happens when we live in authenticity. Love is real. You didn't make it happen. There is NOTHING like it.

A scary thing happens when you live in authenticity. You are not in control. People respond in ways that you don't expect. Sometimes your partner can't handle it. Sometimes they leave. That's their choice. Good for them. Good for you. Did you really want them to stay because you didn't tell them the truth? Did you really want them to stay when they weren't authentically committed to you?

Trust me. You can experience this if you have the courage to live authentically—to choose the messy unpredictable truth of life.

Isn't It Time?

Once upon a time
You waited for a hero
He never came
She never came

Once upon a time
You dreamed of being saved
Arms wrapped around you
Carried to shore
It didn't happen
At least not how you hoped

Once upon a time
You believed it was true
You were saved
He carried you across the threshold
She made your dreams come true

Once upon a time
Reality set in
The fairy tale
The story
Was just that
A fairy tale

Isn't it time
Time to forget
Forget the fairy tale
Forget the story

Isn't it time
Time to embrace
Embrace truth
Embrace love
Real Love

Check out our last 6 eNewsletters:

November 4, 2016--Crossing the Continental Divide (Both Literally and Metaphorically)

May 13, 2016-Are You Embracing Your Goo?

April 6, 2016--Micromanagement is Good Management

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