Who wouldn’t right? That’s my thought anyway. I’d like to abandon abandonment if at all possible. I’ve had enough experiences of abandonment in my life that I think I’m done now.
I had a huge revelation the other day.
I have been choking my own life.
This was made totally clear to me as I was in a seminar that asked me one simple question;
What can I not be with?
In other words, what areas of my life am I unwilling to explore or deal with. What am I spending energy avoiding?
It was pretty obvious to me right away that I don’t want to be alone. I want to stay connected to people. As I dug deeper with the help of some coaches, I found that it wasn’t just aloneness that I was avoiding—I was running away from abandonment.
The thing is—in my search for connection (read abandonment avoidance) I was choking off a part of my life. As I worked to connect to others, I was avoiding the joy and growth that can come with solitude and silence. Also, by expending so much emotional energy on making sure no one abandons me—I made it easy on the other half of my relationships. This in turn made it easier for people to leave.
So, I’m still working on this. I’m certain that it will continue to be a life-long process of opening up areas of my life that I can’t currently be with.
Now to you—what is it that you can’t be with? What do you avoid at all costs in your life? It could be conflict—that’s very popular. It could be avoiding intimacy, avoiding anger, avoiding risk, avoiding disappointment, or any number of things. Only you truly know you.
My contention is that these things that you are avoiding are in some ways running your life.
It’ll take courage to take it in and decide to stop avoiding, pretending, or denying. However, if you do—you will find a newly empowered place where you can make better decisions and be stronger in your relationships all over your life.