They Said

I was pouring out my pain
Detailing my confusion
She interrupted me
He interrupted me

You will find your life
She said
All the fog 
You’ve been driving through
Will lift
She said

It’s a gift
He said
The transformation you long for
It’s on THIS journey
Don’t get me wrong,
It still sucks
But it’s worth it
He said

My old way of being
This addiction
Unhealthily adoring the woman in my life
Depending on her for my completeness
Believing I was lost and not ok without her
I didn’t know another way
To do life

This new way of being
Full of fits and starts
Tears and laughter
I’m walking a new path
The fog is lifting
The transformation is happening
Just like they said


I wrote this poem on Valentine’s Day 2017 in the middle of a heartbreak. I had gone on a hike and was sitting in the sun overlooking my new home here in SoCal. It was my first Valentine’s Day of my life without a Valentine. 

I am not unique. 

There are so many of us who when we find ourselves alone, we do whatever it takes to get back into relationship. At various times, after a divorce or a break-up, I’ve asked my friends to help me stay single for a little while—to at least experience myself. I made various commitments to not date for a year and other lies. I knew logically that it was a good idea but like a dog after a squirrel, I would go after the first possible love interest that crossed my path. 

Last year was no exception. The only reason I was single was because the woman I wanted to redeem my aloneness was gone. I went back several times to literally beg her to take me back. She then gave me the most amazing gift, she gave me the firm “no” that dispelled all my hopes. I was crushed and confused but on Valentine’s Day 2017 I was maybe for the first time in my life making space for Ken. 

This is a new thing for me. Making space for Ken. I created a vision board around this time and laid out several commitments I am making to myself. 

-Being at peace with my own life
-Being my word
-Capable of taking care of myself

In my past, I would consistently sell out my commitments in order to have a companion. This past year, I’ve been practicing NOT selling out. It used to be when I dated, I would disappear, and the commitments I had made would become less important than keeping the relationship alive. I’m excited to say I’ve done it differently lately and it’s “working.” 

I’m single again on Valentine’s Day 2018 and I can honestly say I’ve never experienced more love in a year than I have in the past 365 days. The relationship obsessed version of me would have missed much of it. Instead, I spent two weeks in SoCal with my beautiful daughter, two weekends with her in NYC and Nashville, a bro-weekend in San Fran and Napa, tons of time in Wisconsin with my sister and the rest of my family, a birthday weekend alone in NYC celebrating my life, and precious time with my cousin in DC, WV, and Nashville. 

Don’t get me wrong, I want a companion in this awesome life—but I want it to be OUR life—and I’ve needed these years of singleness to really get how to include what I’m committed to into my relationships. How about you? What are you committed to and what do you sell out to?