I don't know Einat. Never had a conversation with her. Wouldn't be able to tell you a thing about her. But I saw her. I felt her. I wrote a poem about her. 

You see, we're trying something new over at The Poet's Way. We thought it would be a powerful way for the community to interact if we asked whoever wanted to—to put up 10 words that describe themselves. No other instructions. Just 10 words. 

Einat jumped in. She put up her ten words:  Standing still cause if I move I'd feel. (Actually 8 words) So,  I saw what I saw in those words. I wrote a poem.  Read More »

About a year ago—my second marriage came to an end. Somewhat suddenly with circumstances that make most people gasp. However, this is not a story about the ending. This is a story about the beginning.

You see—my former wife and I became engaged to be married in DC during the summer of 2006. It was a fairy tale engagement. I showed up at her work on a early Friday afternoon and swept her away in a limo to the airport. We made our way to the bed and breakfast in DC where I pulled out all the stops to make her feel like a princess: rose petals, wine, a concert, clothing, a picnic in our favorite park with huge waterfalls, and of course a poem expressing my desire to be with her. Forever.

Last week I was in DC. I've told you that I love it there.

My cousin took me for a hike and I had no idea where I was going. It soon became clear after we arrived that we were at the park where I had asked my former wife to marry me. My first thought: "Ughh—I don't need this—maybe we should go somewhere else." My second thought: "I wonder what the universe wants to teach me today. In this place. With so much emotion. This should be fascinating."

I chose to stay. Boy am I glad that I did.   Read More »

You could hear a pin drop. The once lively discussion that the group of us were having moved to reality and we all sat with his words.

There was no judgement. We ALL knew exactly what he was talking about.

You see, there is real life going on all around us and somewhere along the way we were taught that avoiding truth and avoiding our feelings will keep us safe. Really? Do you feel safe? Do you feel at ease?

This is a big deal. There are people in intense pain at every turn. We self-medicate with TV, with food, with alcohol, and prescription drugs. We also do it in more outwardly "healthy" ways like exercise and work.

I feel deeply for my friend. He doesn't want to be alone. He's willing to endure misery in order to ensure that he doesn't have to be alone. At least he has the courage to admit it. To admit that it's his choice—he knows that it's a fool's bargain—but it's his bargain and the only one he knows how to make right now. We've all been there. I would venture to guess that we are all there right now—one way or another.

So what do we do now?   Read More »

I was recently on a plane and the flight attendant spoke up about the safety information she was about to share. She said, "It is better to know this information and not need it than to need it and not know it. This information could save your life." Good point!

Here is a list of "truths" that may save your life—specifically save you from living a life that EVEN YOU believe is not worth living.

1. Your life, Your choice.

You create your own life. Period. No one else is responsible for what your life looks like today. Not your parents, not your significant other, not your boss. You choose the trajectory of your life every day and if you want it to look differently—you MUST choose a different trajectory. Your life, your choice.

2. The only person you can rescue is you.

I'm surrounded by clients and friends that are amazing at helping others. This is no surprise because we tend to attract people like ourselves. Rescuing others is a trap. It can't be done. We do it. It feels awesome. We must focus on saving ourselves. The only person you can rescue is you.

3. What you avoid, what you can't be with—it is actually running your life.

When we can't be with silence—our need for activity runs our actions. When we can't be with abandonment, how we interact with those who may abandon us gets affected. Learn to be with what you can't be with. What you avoid is running your life.

4. Your truest knowings are in your body—not your brain.

You already know this is true. Your gut tells you the answer long before you figure it out with your head. Our art comes from our body. Our dancing. Our musicality. Our poetry comes from the places of deep emotion. Slow down long enough to experience what your body is telling you. Your truest knowings are in your body.

5. Guilt and shame are the worst motivators for decision making.

It's funny—isn't it—that we constantly choose to do things out of guilt only to eventually resent the people we are trying to keep happy. Shame—negative self talk—keeps us from entering the life we really want time and time again. What would it be like if we just decided to stop listening to those voices for a day? Choose something besides guilt and shame to motivate your decisions. My suggestion: love.

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I'm into authenticity. Obviously. 
 
Authenticity is one of those things though. It's like the idea of having a home cooked dinner with the family and eating around the dinner table. Everyone agrees that this is how we should eat and how families should be. The problem with it is that it seems so damn impractical 80% of the time. So as a culture we eat more in cars than we do around a dinner table. YIKES! 
 
The same is true with authenticity. We all agree that the truth is better than lies. We all agree that we we should be ourselves and not what other people want us to be. Here we are again though—80% of the time it just seems so impractical. What if I don't get promoted? What if I don't get hired? What if I hurt someone's feelings? What if my friends who seem to like me leave when they find out the truth? 
 
So we lie. 
Or we stretch the truth. 
Or we hide parts of ourselves.  
We certainly don't live our truth fully, out loud, every day.      Read More »

So…I'm a recovering achiever. You know the type. The kid that sits in the front row in every class in high school and college. The adult that goes shopping for the perfect shirts and ties for work so the boss is impressed. The never miss a deadline type—even if it means staying up until 3am and getting up at 4am to get back to work. Some of you might have called me a kiss up. Whatever—I got A's and I got promoted. 

I still think sitting in the front row is a good idea. I've got a kid in high school and a kid in college and I would definitely encourage them to sit as close to the front as possible. Why? Because when you sit in the front row you A) have to pay attention and B) you get a much better idea of what is most important to the teacher; we all know that only part of doing well in school is knowing the material—to get A's, you have to know what matters to the teacher.

Somewhere along the way though—I decided that sitting in the front row wasn't giving me everything I wanted in life. It certainly gave me nice paychecks. I got to drive a nice car, live in a nice neighborhood, have nice friends, go to a nice health club. All so very NICE. 

The new question. The one that kept me up at night was this: What was it all costing?   Read More »

Today is January 9th and it still hasn't gotten that cold here in the Chicago area. We've had a few mornings with some slight flurries and some temperatures in the low teens—but frankly not that many. I am still running in shorts several times per week and haven't seen a reason to switch to tights yet. What a gift.

This, however, might be a problem. Winter—snow—AND—cold—is important. Important for the trees. Important for the pollen count next summer. Important for creating a great deal of snow melt for the spring. Winter strengthens our world—makes it more resilient to disease. Winter kills off bacteria. Winter enhances the circle of life and participates in evolution by killing off the weakest of the animals—leaving the strongest and smartest to survive and create another generation. 

Winter is a good metaphor for life. It represents death and dying in our lives.  Death is needed. 

No matter what anyone says, no one enjoys the pain and discomfort of howling wind and bitter cold. We enjoy the fireplace when we get back to the house—but the cold seeps into our marrow and makes us cold at our core. Getting let go by the company you trusted with your future is like that. Failing miserably while chasing your dreams is like that. Hearing the doctor tell you that you have cancer is like that. Discovering your children are into drugs is like that. Divorce is like that. Losing a parent is like that. 

So now what? Winter is coming—if it isn't already here for you. How do you respond to winter? How do you respond to not being in control. How do you respond to the depth of emptiness that comes when you realize that you can't make it better? You can't fix it?

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Imagine you in your home, winding down from a long day and the door bell rings. You open the door and there is a solitary unicorn standing there. You are understandably surprised. You are shocked when the unicorn starts speaking to you and in english says, "Get on! Let's go for a ride!"  

What's your response? Of course you are going to get on the unicorn. You are either in a dream or it's a chance of a lifetime—so no matter what—you are going to go for a ride. 

Is there anything magical in your life? Anything that has you in awe? Is there anywhere in your life where you experience unbridled joy?

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Things are rarely as they seem.

As I looked across the table from this amazing woman just a few days ago—that is the thought that kept knocking around in my head. Her co-workers surely believe that she is on top of things and her supervisors definitely think so as they promote her again and again. There is no doubt that she makes an impact. No doubt that she is worth every penny they are paying her.

On the flip side though—the stuff that matters to her. The stuff for which she would give up her salary and lifestyle to make safe and get in order—is far from perfect. How do we get here? How do we end the insanity.

She offered her strategy during this time—her strategy is to "surrender to imperfection."

Hmmm! That's awesome!

Sorta like the opposite of Lexus' "The relentless pursuit of perfection."   Read More »

So, I ran my 5th marathon on Sunday.

It was by far my best one yet but not because it was my fastest.

A marathon is a really long way. Really. 26.2 miles. 42 kilometers. 312 minutes of running at a 12 minute pace. Approximately 55,335 steps! 

I didn't plan to run this past Sunday—at least not like I usually plan for a marathon. Usually, I train 4-6 days a week for the 6 months leading up to the marathon. I usually increase the mileage each week and follow a very detailed training program.

This marathon was different, I went to DC to visit my awesome cousin over labor day and she happened to have a 20-mile training run to do that weekend. "What the heck—I'll run it with you." was my response. She needed the encouragement and I wanted to spend the time in 1:1 conversation with her. When the training run was over, I loved it so much that I decided that I would really like to run the full marathon with her 7 weeks later.

On race day, my attitude was simple. Enjoy it. Enjoy the conversation with my cousin. Stay with her—every step of the way. So we did. We ran at a 12:00 minutes per mile pace and just worked our way through one mile after another. We walked through the water stops and took in gatorade and water. We had friends bringing us sandwiches along the way even. We sang together and danced together along the way and refused to let any nagging points of pain define the marathon. We were running a long way after all and it would be foolish to be pain free.  Read More »