Poetry is a clear window into the heart. I often write to express the thoughts and emotions inside me--not knowing what will appear on the page but invariably discovering more about myself and the world around me.

Counting the Cost of Being Inauthentic

Posted Monday, January 10, 2011

It cost me my first marriage
Not a small thing
Fifteen years
Mostly good—sometimes amazing
Mostly loving—I was deeply loved and so was she
I thought I couldn’t be me
And be there
So I left
I made choices I regret
I have done harm beyond repair
To her
To me
To our kids
Not that simple
But the essence is there

My inauthentic heart
Gave me my religion
My need for rules to live by
My belief in the only answer
Twenty years of born again evangelicalism

In that process
It cost me my true spirituality
My inclusive nature
My deep love for everyone
Including myself

It still costs me as I fight the years of
Training to exclude
Training to judge
Training to have the answer
Training to fix—and not to love

It cost me decades of living small
I placed my ladder on the wrong building
I climbed and climbed and found emptiness
I hit my head against the wall
Attempting authenticity
Not knowing that my box was bigger
Much bigger

 It cost me my only true dream
The one that I feel deep in my deepest spots
To be the best dad I could be
To allow my kids to be all that they are
To not get in their way
To hear them say at the end of my life
That I was everything they wanted from a father
That they felt adored every minute
That they knew without a doubt in their minds
That I would give up everything for their hearts

Avoiding the truth about me…
Costs me
It costs me all my dreams
All my values
All that I am becomes less
When I don’t have the courage
To pull out the mirror
Look deep inside

Take charge of my own heart
Love my own heart enough
Care for my little boy
Deal with my abandonment
Deal with the pain
Love me anyway
Adore me anyway
Cherish me

Check out our last 6 eNewsletters:

November 4, 2016--Crossing the Continental Divide (Both Literally and Metaphorically)

May 13, 2016-Are You Embracing Your Goo?

April 6, 2016--Micromanagement is Good Management

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